Fear - I know who Holds me.
Fear keeps me from doing things. Or should I say, Fear keeps me from finishing things. I have many, many projects - in all the different facets of my life - that are unfinished because my OCDness wants them “just so” before I let people see them.
No more. If I let that rule my Life, then I won’t get anywhere. And I am not always sure why I am Afraid anyway… after all I am held in the Hand of my Lord at all Times. I know that in my Head, but often not in my Heart.
The other Day I went on a Kindergarten Trip with all three Boys. We took a bus to the Luisenpark in Mannheim. It is a big park with flowers, farm animal, several playgrounds, cafés, minigolf, a river with boats… you get the picture. We were on one of the playgrounds where the big boys were on one side and Ephraim and I were on the little kiddie one. Abner had a fear of heights (just like his Mama), but he had followed Jonah up to the top of a really high slide. A slide that I would not go on… He was trying his best to be courageous, but there was no way he was going to go down that thing. He started to panic. Finally, Jonah helped him get back down, but then he could not find me… He started yelling for me and I yelled back, trying to get his attention. He was really panicking now! When he finally got a glimpse of me, the look of shear relief on his face made my heart hurt for him. He ran to me, crying hysterically. I knelt down, opened my arms, and waited for him to run into them. Then I held him tight until he calmed down. The whole time he was sobbing things like: “You were gone.” “I couldn’t see you.” “I was so scared.” “I didn’t know where to go.” “Why did you do that?” “Where did you go?” I told him that I was there the whole time, but that he just could not see me with all the people running around… He ended up playing on the little kiddie playground with Ephraim. But the rest of the day, as long as he saw me, he became braver and braver in the things he was doing.
You probably know where I am going with this…
I imagine that is how God feels, watching us. We try to be brave and take all the right steps, then we realize how high we are going, get scared, and panic. Then the worst thing happens: we loose sight of Him. We loose sight of Him. He is a constant. He is always there. He does not abandon us. He is patiently waiting, sometimes even calling for us, trying to be heard above the noise in our lives. Then, when we catch a glimpse of Him again and all we can think of is running into His arms, the relief is so great.
Lately my youngest will yell for me from the top of the Stairs when I run down real quick to do something or get something. The persistent, “Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama.” It can get very annoying, but I want to remind myself that what he is longing for is for me to come back and embrace him, be his care-taker, and guide him along whatever it is he got into his mind to try and do next.
I need to persistently call out the same way to my Lord and cry for Him and His embrace!
Sometimes His embrace is in the Solitude and the Pitter Patter of the Raindrops.
Sometimes in the Laughter or Hugs of my Children
Sometimes in the Conversation with The Husband
Sometimes His embrace is in the warmth and comfort of Christian Fellowship and Prayer Warriors (shout out to my Bible Study Ladies!)
Whatever it may be, I know This:
I have chosen you and not rejected you.
10 ‘Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
- Isaiah 41, 9-10
It is alright to be Afraid. No matter how high I climb, I know who Holds Me!